Best jokes and tips for funny online sites.
Note: Recently I've been getting flamed with complaints about
the blonde jokes on this page (the authors of these emails
don't ever mention whether they're blonde, but I think it's a
safe assumption because of all the misspellings and grammatical
Here's some typical emails:
"how come u always make fun of blondes? Not
all blondes are dumb and don't do stupid stuff! Why don't u make
fun of red heads or other people not just blondes cause thats not
how blondes act and they arnt stupid." --
"I hate blonde jokes they aint funny - I will
never look at this site again! Being predijist against a blonde
is just as bad as being sexist or Racist! Don't judge a book by
it's cover! STOP THE BLONDE JOKES!" --
Well take it easy girls! If it makes you feel better, I took one joke
completely off this site because it's in bad taste (in case
you're curious, you can do a search for blonde difference 747 on
the web and you'll see it.) Have you blondes
ever stopped to think that maybe people just joke about you out of
jealousy because you're so beautiful?!
I didn't realize the error of my ways until I fell in love with
a blonde recently...
now I know that I only created this page because I've
been suffering from Blonde
Deprivation Syndrome all these years. I'd like to marry her, but
I'm worried that our wedding gifts will be a pile of
coloring books and crayon boxes... ;^)
--Webmaster (just kidding now!)
Blonde & Jigsaw Puzzle
Q: Why did the Blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."
Blonde Brain Cells
Q: What do you call a Blonde with 2 braincells?
Blonde Job Interview
A network executive was interviewing a young blonde. He asked "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be"? The blonde replied "The living one."
A Blonde walked into a bar with a pig tied to a piece of string. "Where the hell did you pick up that dirty thing?" asked the bartender.
"Won it in a raffle." said the pig.
Blondes & UFO's
Q. Whats the difference between an intelligent Blonde and a UFO?
A. Dunno - never seen either!
Blondes, How To Make 'em Laugh
Q. How do you make a Blonde laugh on Friday?
A. Tell her a joke on Tuesday!
Download "BitMagic" Cartoon-A-Day Software
Bitmagic shows an animated cartoon on your desktop every morning. It also has weekly games and fun interactive time-wasters.
For Microsoft Windows 95/98/NT4, you'll need 16 Mb RAM and 15 Mb free disk space.
Laugh At Comics Online
Read Dilbert, Snoopy and other cartoons at the Web's largest collection of comic strips and editorial cartoons. Just click on the drop-down select box here, and pick your favorite comic strip! There are a couple of disadvantages however: expect slow load times and a lot of commercial stuff to sort through.
Laugh At Kids' Jokes
You can read Kids' jokes online at these sites. Some samples:
Q: Why shouldn't you tell a pig a secret?
A: Because pigs are squealers!
I love you too!
Another good site: Yahooligans Jokes
Lawyer Lab Rats
Many scientists are replacing their lab rats with lawyers in their experiments. 3 main reasons are mentioned:
- The scientists don't get sentimentally attached to the lawyers.
- Some of the experiments are rather cruel, so the humane way is to use the lowest life form possible.
- There are some things that even rats just won't do.
Lawyer's Burial Depth
Q: Do you know why lawyers are buried at a depth of at least 20 feet??
A: Because deep down, lawyers aren't all bad!
Lawyer's Ethical Dilemna
Q: A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together--he'd been overpaid by $100. What is the ethical dilemma for the lawyer?
A: Whether he should tell his partner.
List Of Groucho Marx Quotes
Here's the Top 10:
10. "I would never join a club that would accept me as a member."
9. "I cannot say that I do not disagree with you."
8. "A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
7. "Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?"
6. "Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife."
5. "Why should I care about posterity?
What's posterity ever done for me?"
4. "Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know."
3. (Actress): 'Captain, your vulgarity leaves me speechless!' Groucho: "Well, see that you remain that way."
2. "You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."
1. "Those are my ethical principles. If you don't like them, I have others."
List of 5 Twisted Proverbs
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- No one listens to you, until you make a mistake.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
List of 5 Useful Terrorist Phrases
The tourism agencies of several Middle East terrorist-sponsoring nations have published a list of 5 phrases you really need to learn before traveling in their countries:
5. AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN. Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
4. AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
3. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
2. TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
1. SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE. I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
List: Sh*t Happens!
- Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder.
- Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.
- Islam: Shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
- Buddism: This is only an illusion of shit happening.
- Judaism: Why does shit always happen to me?
- Journalism: I hope shit happens to everyone. Then I can write about it.
List: You're White Trash if...
- Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.
- Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."
- Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."
- Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.
- You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
- Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
- You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork
- On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.